Helping Your Wayward Child

The following article was written by John Piper's son Abraham for parents to help their wayward children.

Many parents are brokenhearted and completely baffled by their unbelieving son or daughter. They have no clue why the child they raised well is making such awful, destructive decisions. I’ve never been one of these parents, but I have been one of these sons. Reflecting back on that experience, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child.

1. Point them to Christ.

Your rebellious child’s real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or pornography or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk rock band. The real problem is that they don’t see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for them—and the only reason to do any of the following suggestions—is to show them Christ. It is not a simple or immediate process, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will only begin to fade away when they see Jesus more like he actually is.

2. Pray.

Only God can save your son or daughter, so keep on asking that he will display himself to them in a way they can’t resist worshiping him for.

3. Acknowledge that something is wrong.

If your daughter rejects Jesus, don’t pretend everything is fine.

For every unbelieving child, the details will be different. Each one will require parents to reach out in unique ways. Never acceptable, however, is not reaching out at all. If your child is an unbeliever, don’t ignore it. Holidays might be easier, but eternity won’t be.

4. Don’t expect them to be Christ-like.

If your son is not a Christian, he’s not going to act like one.

You know that he has forsaken the faith, so don’t expect him to live by the standards you raised him with. For example, you might be tempted to say, “I know you’re struggling with believing in Jesus, but can’t you at least admit that getting wasted every day is sin?”

If he’s struggling to believe in Jesus, then there is very little significance in admitting that drunkenness is wrong. You want to protect him, yes. But his unbelief is the most dangerous problem—not partying. No matter how your child’s unbelief exemplifies itself in his behavior, always be sure to focus more on the heart’s sickness than its symptoms.

5. Welcome them home.

Because the deepest concern is not your child’s actions, but his heart, don’t create too many requirements for coming home. If he has any inkling to be with you, it is God giving you a chance to love him back to Jesus. Obviously there are some instances in which parents must give ultimatums: “Don’t come to this house if you are...” But these will be rare. Don’t lessen the likelihood of an opportunity to be with your child by too many rules.

If your daughter smells like weed or an ashtray, spray her jacket with Febreze and change the sheets when she leaves, but let her come home. If you find out she’s pregnant, then buy her folic acid, take her to her twenty-week ultrasound, protect her from Planned Parenthood, and by all means let her come home. If your son is broke because he spent all the money you lent him on loose women and ritzy liquor, then forgive his debt as you’ve been forgiven, don’t give him any more money, and let him come home. If he hasn’t been around for a week and a half because he’s been staying at his girlfriend’s—or boyfriend’s—apartment, plead with him not to go back, and let him come home.

6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.

Be gentle in your disappointment.

What really concerns you is that your child is destroying herself, not that she’s breaking rules. Treat her in a way that makes this clear. She probably knows—especially if she was raised as a Christian—that what she’s doing is wrong. And she definitely knows you think it is. So she doesn’t need this pointed out. She needs to see how you are going to react to her evil. Your gentle forbearance and sorrowful hope will show her that you really do trust Jesus.

Her conscience can condemn her by itself. Parents ought to stand kindly and firmly, always living in the hope that they want their child to return to.

7. Connect them to believers who have better access to them.

There are two kinds of access that you may not have to your child: geographical and relational. If your wayward son lives far away, try to find a solid believer in his area and ask him to contact your son. This may seem nosy or stupid or embarrassing to him, but it’s worth it—especially if the believer you find can also relate to your son emotionally in a way you can’t.

Relational distance will also be a side effect of your child leaving the faith, so your relationship will be tenuous and should be protected if at all possible. But hard rebuke is still necessary.

This is where another believer who has emotional access to your son may be very helpful. If there is a believer who your son trusts and perhaps even enjoys being around, then that believer has a platform to tell your son—in a way he may actually pay attention to—that he’s being an idiot. This may sound harsh, but it’s a news flash we all need from time to time, and people we trust are usually the only ones who can package a painful rebuke so that it is a gift to us.

A lot of rebellious kids would do well to hear that they’re being fools—and it is rare that this can helpfully be pointed out by their parents—so try to keep other Christians in your kids lives.

8. Respect their friends.

Honor your wayward child in the same way you’d honor any other unbeliever. They may run with crowds you’d never consider talking to or even looking at, but they are your child’s friends. Respect that—even if the relationship is founded on sin. They’re bad for your son, yes. But he’s bad for them, too. Nothing will be solved by making it perfectly evident that you don’t like who he’s hanging around with.

When your son shows up for a family birthday celebration with another girlfriend—one you’ve never seen before and probably won’t see again—be hospitable. She’s also someone’s wayward child, and she needs Jesus, too.

9. Email them.

Praise God for technology that lets you stay in your kids’ lives so easily!

When you read something in the Bible that encourages you and helps you love Jesus more, write it up in a couple lines and send it to your child. The best exhortation for them is positive examples of Christ’s joy in your own life.

Don’t stress out when you’re composing these as if each one needs to be singularly powerful. Just whip them out one after another, and let the cumulative effect of your satisfaction in God gather up in your child’s inbox. God’s word is never proclaimed in vain.

10. Take them to lunch.

If possible, don’t let your only interaction with your child be electronic. Get together with him face to face if you can. You may think this is stressful and uncomfortable, but trust me that it’s far worse to be in the child’s shoes—he is experiencing all the same discomfort, but compounded by guilt. So if he is willing to get together with you for lunch, praise God, and use the opportunity.

It will feel almost hypocritical to talk about his daily life, since what you really care about is his eternal life, but try to anyway. He needs to know you care about all of him. Then, before lunch is over, pray that the Lord will give you the gumption to ask about his soul. You don’t know how he’ll respond. Will he roll his eyes like you’re an idiot? Will he get mad and leave? Or has God been working in him since you talked last? You don’t know until you risk asking.

(Here’s a note to parents of younger children: Set up regular times to go out to eat with your kids. Not only will this be valuable for its own sake, but also, if they ever enter a season of rebellion, the tradition of meeting with them will already be in place and it won’t feel weird to ask them out to lunch. If a son has been eating out on Saturdays with his dad since he was a tot, it will be much harder for him later in life to say no to his father’s invitation—even as a surly nineteen-year-old.)

11. Take an interest in their pursuits.

Odds are that if your daughter is purposefully rejecting Christ, then the way she spends her time will probably disappoint you. Nevertheless, find the value in her interests, if possible, and encourage her. You went to her school plays and soccer games when she was ten; what can you do now that she’s twenty to show that you still really care about her interests?

Jesus spent time with tax collectors and prostitutes, and he wasn’t even related to them. Imitate Christ by being the kind of parent who will put some earplugs in your pocket and head downtown to that dank little nightclub where your daughter’s CD release show is. Encourage her and never stop praying that she will begin to use her gifts for Jesus’ glory instead her own.

12. Point them to Christ.

This can’t be over-stressed. It is the whole point. No strategy for reaching your son or daughter will have any lasting effect if the underlying goal isn’t to help them know Jesus.

Jesus.

It’s not so that they will be good kids again; it’s not so that they’ll get their hair cut and start taking showers; it’s not so that they’ll like classical music instead of deathcore; it’s not so that you can stop being embarrassed at your weekly Bible study; it’s not so that they’ll vote conservative again by the next election; it’s not even so that you can sleep at night, knowing they’re not going to hell.

The only ultimate reason to pray for them, welcome them, plead with them, email them, eat with them, or take an interest in their interests is so that their eyes will be opened to Christ.

And not only is he the only point—he’s the only hope. When they see the wonder of Jesus, satisfaction will be redefined. He will replace the pathetic vanity of the money, or the praise of man, or the high, or the orgasm that they are staking their eternities on right now. Only his grace can draw them from their perilous pursuits and bind them safely to himself—captive, but satisfied.

He will do this for many.  Be faithful and don’t give up.

[Source]: Desiring God

Praying Scripture for your Child

What Scripture texts should we pray for our children?  I found some of these over at the Desiring God blog...

1. That Jesus will call them and no one will hinder them from coming.

Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away. (Matthew 19:13-15)

2. That they will respond in faith to Jesus’ faithful, persistent call.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)

3. That they will experience sanctification through the transforming work of the Holy Spirit and will increasingly desire to fulfill the greatest commandments.

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37-39)

4. That they will not be unequally yoked in intimate relationships, especially marriage.

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)

5. That their thoughts will be pure.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)

6. That their hearts will be stirred to give generously to the Lord's work.

All the men and women, the people of Israel, whose heart moved them to bring anything for the work that the Lord had commanded by Moses to be done brought it as a freewill offering to the Lord. (Exodus 35:29)

7. That when the time is right, they will GO!

And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20)

[Source]: Desiring God Blog

Substitution and our Child's Obedience

A fundamental element of the gospel is substitution. Christ was our substitution. He is the only acceptable sacrifice to God. Therefore, it is only when we are believing that He is our acceptable sacrifice to God, that we are trusting in Him to save us.

Consider, then, for a moment how Christ's substitutionary obedience affects us. Whether we look at a snapshot of our lives before or after conversion, we will probably see some tainting of disobedience in that picture. But the gospel teaches us that we are not acceptable to God because of our obedience, nor are we acceptable to Him only in those times when we obey. The gospel teaches that we are always and only acceptable to God through the substition of Christ, and in this particular area, only because of Christ's obedience to the Father.

Now apply this to our children in two ways. First, what do we tell them when they disobey? I used to fill my children's ears with talk of repentance, confession, obedience, Ephesians 6:1, OT examples of children who didn't obey their parents, etc. Are all these things biblical? Without a doubt. But the missing and most fundamental element is the gospel. My kids can't repent and confess and obey all the time. They will fail whether purposefully or unwittingly. So the message they need to hear is that (1) Christ is the only one who perfectly obeyed His earthly and heavenly father, all the time, even when He was a little boy, and (2) God forgives our disobedience because His Son was punished for it.

This leads to the second application, namely, how we treat them when they disobey. Do we treat them with anger, irritation, and frustration. Do we make them feel like their disobedience is an huge inconvenience to us? Do we fill their ears with how much it makes us suffer and the pain it causes the family? If the gospel element of Christ's substitutionary obedience is the message we want to get across to our children when they have disobeyed, then they aren't going to get that message amid tones of anger, irritation, and frustration. They need to see Christ, high and lifted up, seated on His throne...seated there because He has finished His substitutionary work of obedience and sacrifice. And God makes that available to our children each time they sin. Pretty soon, as they grow older, they will get the message that they don't just need Christ's substitutionary obedience when they sin, but they need it every second of their lives. It is in this way that we will be teaching our children the gospel by teaching them to trust and believe in Jesus' obedience and sacrifice on their behalf.

So let's teach them substitution each time they disobey. And let's not cloud that beautiful and glorious message with our own disobedience! But if we do, let's take heart that Christ's substitutionary obedience still and always will be standing for us just like it will be for our children.

[Source]: Rob Wilkerson III

Praying for your Child's Welfare

Do not consider only your children's salvation but pray also for your children's welfare because:

1. You my then expect, as a result of your prayers, that the power of God will counteract in some measure the evil you have done them.

Even the best of parents sometimes do their children harm. This may be as a result of undue severity in discipline, partiality or injustice, but equally by misguided tenderness and lack of conscientious in exercising authority. Unceasing prayer will enable you to avoid these sins. Thoughtful love for them, and an earnest desire for their real good, would take replace mere fondness, and you would be led to avoid the extremes of harshness and hurtful indulgence.

2. There will be critical periods in their lives when without your incessant prayers, offered with reference to such times, they my be left to act most unwisely if not disastrously.

Pray for them in the momentous decisions concerning matters such as their future career and possible marriage. Do not put off praying over these because they might be in the distant future. Consider, you may not be alive when they face these decisions.

3. It will lead you to a better understanding of them. 

Fervent prayer, continuously offered for them, in which their special wants, as far as you know them, are spread before God, will be sure to lead to a greater watchfulness over them. It will lead to a closer study of their character and to more exact understanding of their traits and wants. You should know what motives most easily influence them and what temptations are most likely to lead them into wrongdoing. You should also be familiar with their sorrows and circumstances, knowing intimately each one's character. If you are praying for them you will be compelled to note these things.

4. It will increase your holy desires for them.

If we cannot pray, even for strangers, without learning to love them, surely the more we commend our children to God, the stronger will our love for their souls become. This steady increase of holy desires in your heart, with reference to you children, will prove an unspeakable blessing both to them and to you.

5. No other means will be so effectual in enabling you to overcome the difficulty you experience in talking with then on religious subjects.

Out of the abundance of your heart your mouth will speak. We are often too reserved when it comes to speaking of spiritual matters with our children, despite the scriptural command (Deut. 6:7). Nothing is so suited to remove this as earnest, persistent prayer, in which your child's needs are spread before God and specific requests are offered in its behalf.

6. You will thereby secure for them God's aid in the efforts they may make to yield you their obedience God requires of children submission to the parent's will and implicit obedience. 

Children need more than mere human assistance, even though that assistance may come from wise and affectionate parents. They can no more perform their duties as children without such help from God, than you, without such help, can perform your parental duties. You are solemnly bound to think of the dependence of your children on God's help, and earnestly to pray that that help may be given them in their endeavours to honour and obey you.

7. Other parents seeing your example, may be led to imitate you.

Others may be challenged by your diligence and may be inspired to be more zealous in their parental duties.

8. They will often, should they continue in the world, have their times of need when the power of God alone can avail to help them.

Disappointments, sickness, losses, cares, in short, adversity in various forms, will be sure to overtake them sooner or later, and well will it be for them if you have anticipated these times of need by much prayer offered on their behalf. There will be times of temptation when they will be in fearful danger. The evil one will seek to lay snares for them and at such times earthly friends will be of no help. Ask the Saviour to defend them from the spite, power and wiles of evil spirits, the agents of Satan, who are constantly around them.

[Source]: William Scribner

Praying for your Child's Salvation

You should pray for your children's conversion because:

1. Their salvation is so great a prize that it is worth all the pains which your prayer to secure it for them may cost you.

The fact that their souls are precious beyond all thought, that the loss of their souls would be inconceivably dreadful, that eternal life would be an infinite gain to them, and that your prayers may be instrumental in saving them, should stir you up to offer constant requests on their behalf.

Though we are commanded to intercede for all men (1 Tim. 2:1), few engage in this duty as they should. When it is done, those who are prayed for are often those who are considered important in the Church's or the world's estimation.

3. No one else can pray for them as you do.

The genuine love you have for your children, the tenderness you feel for them and your knowledge of their make-up, needs and problems, qualify you to plead with God on their behalf with an urgency and earnestness which can take no refusal. When God wants to convince us of his willingness to hear prayer, he bases his argument on his parental love:

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" (Luke 11:13).

4. Your omitting to do so will be perilous to them and to you.

God notes our attempts to fulfill our parental obligations. It is not to unfaithful, prayerless parents that his exceeding great and precious promises are addressed:

"But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him , and His righteousness to children's children, to such as keep His covenant, and to those who remember His commandments to do them." (Ps. 103:17-18)

Your children are surrounded by evil influences and they are fallen creatures. They need to be protected by the power of God, and no less do they need to be inwardly restrained, enlightened, controlled, purified, and guided by the Holy Spirit.

5. You will then find it easier to perform other parental duties on the performance of which God has conditioned their salvation.

God commended Abraham for being one who would fulfil his parental duties (Gen. 18:18-19):

"For I have known him, in order that he may command his children and his household after him, that they keep the way of the LORD, to do righteousness and justice, that the LORD may bring to Abraham what He has spoken to him."

God's will for you as a parent is clear:

"And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up" (Deut. 6:6-7). It is a great work, and nothing can sustain you under the burden like praying for your children, believingly, earnestly and perseveringly. in giving attention to instruction and discipline, do not neglect prayer! Some blessings seldom come except in answer to heartfelt prayer. One of these is the early conversion of our children.

6. Prayer alone can call into exercise that divine power in their behalf, which is absolutely necessary in order that the prayers which you may employ for their salvation may not be used in vain.

Only God's mighty power can effect the great change necessary, raising them to life from a state of spiritual death. Your child is absolutely dependent upon the influences of God's all-powerful Spirit. Though you persevere in the use of means, without the Spirit it will be in vain. Nothing but believing prayer can secure his power to effect the change.

7. By their salvation, granted in answer to your prayers, your Saviour will be glorified

Not merely the salvation of your children, but the glory of your dear Saviour in their salvation, should impel you to pray for them. This motive should be stronger than any other which can influence you to seek their salvation.

8. You have a strong encouragement and incentive to do so in the explicit promise of God that, if you are faithful to your trust, he will be their God.

The words which God spoke to Abraham, when he entered into covenant with him and his seed, may be regarded as addressed to every believer individually, and therefore to you (cf. Gen. 17:7; also Isa. 59:21, Acts 2:38). God's promises to you take into account your responsibility as a parent. Because God loves his own people with a love which passes knowledge, they cannot earnestly plead for such a thing as the salvation of their children without having power with him. In addition to this, his love for them causes him to have tenderness for their children. They also are beloved by him and are dear to him for their parents' sake.

[Source]: William Scribner

Why do Children Lie?

Tedd Tripp has a couple of great posts I wanted to share with you about why children lie. He says...

Children tend to lie in two types of circumstances. First, they lie when they fear a consequence so much they will do anything to avoid it, e.g., punishment for hitting. Second, children tend to lie when there is something they desire, and they see lying as the best way to get it; e.g., I am angry with my brother, so I will make up something to make him look bad. In both situations the reason for the lie is the same—a self-centered viewpoint.

How do you deal with this as a parent?  

Reason 1: Lying to Avoid

Reason 2: Lying to Acquire

What is a Gospel-centered Marriage?

Gospel-centered parenting requires a gospel-centered marriage. This short clip reveals what that kind of marriage looks like...



[Source]: The Gospel Coalition

Sharing the Gospel while Disciplining your Kids (Part 4)

4. Show them what you are going to do about their sin. So far the discipline session is a great Bible lesson! But the reality is that God teaches us to spank our children. As I tell my children over and again, "let your sore hiney teach your sinful heart to run to Jesus." Spanking is not being mean, as my oldest accused me of a while back. It is obeying God for the sake of the child's heart. Sometimes I doubt its efficiency and effectiveness. But I can't doubt God's Word. I'm hanging on to hope here with four children ages ten and under. We've got a long way to go and I'm hanging on to the truth that God will bless obedience to His Word.

Isaiah 53 teaches us that we are healed by the stripes of Jesus. When the Romans whipped our Savior, God was whipping our Savior. The text teaches that it pleased God to bruise His own Son. And He did it for us! That torture and death inflicted on Jesus was a physical one backed by the eternal and powerfully divine judgment of God. "Jesus took our eternal punishment in hell for us when He was whipped and when He died," as I tell my kids. That is key to me because it provides a connection point between their spanking and Jesus. The one Jesus took killed Him for our sins. The one I give them (not a whipping of course!...or a 'whoopin' as my grandparents used to call it!) is a symbolic reminder of the greater one Jesus took for them. So the spanking can be used not only as a painful too to remind them of the punishment that awaits them when they disobey, but it can also be used as a tool to remind them of the cross, a physical act with a heavenly lesson.

The spanking can come at any point in this 'outline' or discipline session. It can be woven seamlessly into any point. It may be that you need to explain this to your child before you spank. Doing so may give you a cooling down period in which hearing these things you are saying will benefit you as much as your child. Spanking at the beginning may be better for your child. They know it's coming. And our lesson may be lost in their anxiety of waiting for the inevitable. For goodness sake! Let's get the spanking over with! But then again, leaving it to the end may be a useful tool sometimes, for in building that anxiety we can lead up to the climax of the discipline session by praising God that a spanking is all they get for their sin! It could be eternally worse! Each parent must carefully think it through, spanking at the wisest time, while being sure to explain the truth along the way.

I change up this 'outline' from incident to incident, provided I'm batting a 1000 that day or that week! Of course that would be a rare week in my personal life. But my point here is that I want to avoid the appearance of a lecture. Don't memorize what I said above. Just memorize the points and go with the flow. Kids hate lectures. Let's don't make the session worse by provoking their already sinful hearts to further irritation with something we can make fresh in a moment's worth of mental energy.

But that can only happen when the cross is fresh to you! Examine your own heart before disciplining your kids. Doing so will show you your own sinfulness, something I desperately need to see before I discipline my kids. Otherwise, I'll spank like a Pharisee, hypocritically inflicting pain both emotionally and physically with an air or superiority. When I've acted this way before, I have set a trajectory for my kids that means they are less likely to love me. I'm a disciplinarian to them when I act this way. I hate that with a passion. I know the love the heavenly Father has for me, and I want my kids to see me that way. The cross makes all the difference in the world here. If it is not pressing down on my own sinful heart, bringing all its mercy, grace, forgiveness, peace and hope with it, it is less likely to be felt by our kids when we are disciplining them.

May God grant us the grace and strength to lead our children in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake!

[Source]: Rob Wilkerson III on Miscellanies on the Gospel

Sharing the Gospel while Disciplining your Kids (Part 3)

3. Show them what God has done about their sin. This is the crux (the "cross" point) of the discipline session. After showing them what God says about their sin we can tell them how God feels about sin. In short, He hates it and fully intends to destroy it. Though He is patient now toward sinners, He will not be as patient forever. There will come a day when He will take vengeance against sin. It is called justice and it will last forever.

Further, our sin has caused us to be an enemy of God, the one who created us. God wants to be our friend, and He wants us to be His friend. But sin separates us. The solution is to destroy the sin. The question I lead them to is this: do you want your sin destroyed, or do you want to be destroyed along with your sin? Do you want your sin judged, or would you rather be judged along with your sin? Since sin must be dealt with justly, how do you want to handle that?

The crux here is in the faith, the belief, the hope to which we lead them. Faith is not believing that the testimony of the Bible about Jesus is true. No, it is believing that the truth the Bible says about Jesus is something God did for me. His work on the cross in judging Jesus for my sin instead of punishing me was a work for me. His act of rising from the dead to free us from the power of sin was an act He did for me. That is the essence of biblical faith. And leading our children there means leading them to a proper knowledge of their sin.

[Source]: Rob Wilkerson III on Miscellanies on the Gospel

Sharing the Gospel while Disciplining your Kids (Part 2)

2. Show them what God says about their sin. What we have to say about our children's sin is not near as important as what God has to say. After examining the things listed above, I've gathered plenty of information to utilize in pointing them to the Scriptures. There I show them what God says about what they have done. I name their sin by the same name God gives it.

It's not an issue of "not being nice to Sophia or Eli." It's an issue of hating their brother or sister, as God teaches in 1 John. They have not "fibbed," they have spoken a lie, and God has much to say about that. They are not "being a jerk" to my wife and I. They are dishonoring us, something God forbids in the Ten Commandments. The emphasis should be on us seeing their sin the way God does, and leading them to do the same, rather than candy-coating it or glossing over it.

The point here should be clear enough: if we don't tell our children what God says about their sin, then we can't lead them to what God has done about their sin.

[Source]: Rob Wilkerson III on Miscellanies on the Gospel

What is the "Gospel" in Gospel-Centered Parenting?

Here's the gospel in under 3 minutes...

Sharing the Gospel while Disciplining your Kids (Part 1)

1. Show them their sin. Our children need to understand that their action was sinful. Their hearts, undoubtedly, already tell them that, "their consciences bearing witness against them." But they need a guide to show them the details and explain it to them. We show our kids their sin when we teach them the following.

First, we must show them what they have done. This means explaining the nature of their sin and the effects it had on not only the one they offended but anyone else standing around. In other words, explain the sin from specific to general, from simple to detailed, from personal to public. Give them both the detailed picture and the big picture.

Second, we must show them when they sinned. If we can point to a specific time or incident that provoked or promoted their sinful behavior we are giving them a world of knowledge and hope, both of which are fighting power against that sin next time. What happened before they sinned? What sparked the sinful behavior? Questions like these lead the very natural follow up questions in number four below.

Third, we must show them why they sinned. They have a sinful heart....just like mom and dad....just like brother and sister....just like Johnny or Susie, their friends at church. We sin because we are sinners, and we are not sinners because we sin. Our children need to know this. The more aware we make them of that sinful nature working 24/7 within their souls, the more fertile ground we are plowing the for gospel seeds to grow strong. The gospel grows best in a soul that has been plowed with a humble mind towards the true nature of its it own heart.

[Source]: Rob Wilkerson III on Miscellanies on the Gospel

Five Ways to Provoke Your Child to Anger

Colossians 3:21 says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, lest they become discouraged."

Here are 5 ways that parents often (fathers especially) provoke their children to anger...

1. Fail to demonstrate biblical love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a) to your child through:

• Impatience (not waiting for your child to finish a task or hurrying your child to do something that is beyond their capabilities) - violates 1 Cor. 13:4; Gal. 5:22; Eph. 4:1-2; Col. 1:9-12; 3:12
• Unkindness (not providing for your child's physical needs because you are too busy with your own interests) - violates 1 Cor. 13:4; Gal. 5:22; Eph. 4:32; Phil. 2:3-4; 2 Tim. 2:24; Titus 2:4-5
• Jealousy (trying to prove to your child that you can do something better than he can) - violates 1 Cor 13:4; Gal 5:19-20; James 3:13-18
• Bragging (saying things such as “I had it a lot harder when I was your age”) - violates Prov 27:2; Rom 1:30; 1 Cor 13:4; 2 Cor 10:18
• Arrogance (saying such things as “We’ll do it my way because I’m a lot smarter and a lot bigger than you”) - violates Rom 1:3-; 1 Cor 13:4
• Unbecoming actions (purposefully embarrassing and demeaning your child by discussing his failures and shortcomings in front of others) - violates 1 Cor 13:5; Ephes 4:29
• Seeking to have it your own way (insisting that your child or family do only what you want to do) - violates 1 Cor 13:5; Phil 2:3-4
• Taking into account wrongs suffered (reminding your child in an accusing manner of his past failures by saying things such as “I’ve told you this a thousand times…”) - violates 1 Cor 13:5; Ephes 4:32; Col 3:12-13 
• Rejoicing in unrighteousness (encouraging your child to retaliate for wrongs he has suffered from others) - violates 1 Cor 13:6; 2 Thess 2:12
• Not rejoicing in truth (failing to commend your child for being truthful in a difficult situation) - violates 1 Cor 13:6; 1 Thess 5:16; 1 Peter 4:13; 2 John 1:4; 3 John 1:3
• Not bearing all things (avoiding, criticizing, or neglecting your child because he wasn’t perfect in meeting your expectations) - violates 1 Cor 13:7; Gal 6:2
• Not believing or hoping all things (consistently doubting what your child says before you know all the facts) - violates 1 Cor 13:7
• Not enduring all things (responding in anger to your child because you are focused on your own difficulties) - violates 1 Cor 13:7; James 1:2-4

2. Fail to live as an example of the believer (1 Tim. 4:12) by:

• Acting hypocritically (judging your child’s behavior when you do not continually examine your own life by God’s Word) - violates Matt 7:1-5
• Lying to your child or requesting your child to lie for you - violates Rom 14:13; Eph. 4:15, 25
• Arguing with your child or arguing with your spouse in the presence of your child - violates Prov 20:3; Phil 2:14-16; Col 4:6; 2 Tim 2:24-25
• Teasing your child (tickling him to the point of tears or making fun of him when he has been embarrassed or has failed in an endeavor) - violates Eph 6:4; Col 3:12
• Speaking to your child in a unwholesome manner (calling him names or yelling at him in anger) - violates Eph 4:29; Col 4:6
• Showing partiality to one child over another - violating Prov 24:23; also see Gen 25:24-34, esp verse 28, and Gen 27:1-28:9 for illustrations of the evils precipitated by parents favoring one child over another) 

3. Seek to become the ultimate authority in the life of your child instead of showing him the importance of following the Lord (Ezekiel 18:4-20; 2 Cor 3:5-6; 2 Tim 3:14-17; James 1:22-25):

• Practicing a double standard and demanding that your child serve you continually, while you fail to serve your child and others - violates Matt 20:25-28; Mark 9:35; 20:42-45
• Treating your child as a possession or imposing your own aspirations on him (insisting that he meet the goals that you have arbitrarily set for his life) - violates Deut 6:6-7; Psalm 24:1, 127:3; Eph 6:4
• Swearing at your child or using harsh, contentious language when he does not meet certain standards - violates Prov 12:18, 20:3; Eph 4:15, 29, 31; Col 4:6; James 3:2-12
• Comparing your child to yourself or others to show him the ways in which he does not measure up to your standards - violates 2 Cor 10:12, 17-18) 

4. Act in an inconsistent manner in front of, or toward your child by:

• Failing to keep your word and becoming untrustworthy (promising to take him someplace and then arbitrarily changing your plans in order to please yourself) - violates Matt 5:37; Eph 4:15, 25; Col 3:9
• Failing to discipline biblically when necessary - violates Prov 13:24, 23:13; Heb 12:7-8 - or disciplining when provoked and angry - violating 1 Cor 13:5; Ephes 4:31 
• Being erratic and inconsistent in your speech or actions (showing little or no response to your child’s disobedience on one day but at another time becoming visibly upset, using unkind words, and punishing rather than restoring) - violates Prov 15:1; Gal 6:1; Eph 4:15, 29; Col 4:6
• Failing to confess sins that you have committed against your child or seeking to give excuse for your sinful behavior in an effort to justify yourself - violates Mat 5:23-24; Rom 12:18; James 5:16
• Refusing to forgive your child (making statements such as “I’ll never be able to forgive you for what you’ve done to me”) while demanding that your child forgive others for wrongs done against him - violates Mat 5:23-24; 18:21-22; Mark 11:25-26; Eph 4:32; Col 3:12-13

5. When you neglect your child by:

• Failing to spend time with your child in order to show the application of God’s word to everyday life - violates Duet 6:6-7
• Failing to listen patiently when your child speaks to you because you are “too busy” with your own interests - violates 1 Cor 13:4-5; Phil 2:3-4; James 1:19
• Failing to discipline your child biblically or in a timely manner by delaying discipline because “you don’t feel like it” or waiting to discipline your child until a number of wrongs have accumulated - violates Prov 13:24, 19:18; Ecc 8:11

[Source]: Steve Shank

Reacting to Your Child's Sin (Part 3)

Rob Wilkerson concludes explaining that a gentle yet firm manner of reacting to your child's sin is necessary in gospel-centered parenting...

This manner doesn't let sin escape either our notice or theirs. It firmly makes as much of the sin as God does (describing in biblical terminology so they can know exactly what God calls it and thinks about it). But it also gently applies the divine remedy to the wounded or hardened conscience, hopefully either healing it or breaking it.

This mannner firmly yet gently takes the necessary time to explore with the child their heart - the motivations and/or influences provoking their sinful behavior. It uses the Scriptures to identify the sin, call it what it is, and unashamedly point to its consequences both temporally and eternally. Yet this manner also uses Scriptures as a book chock full of stories, stories about how God loved and redeemed His own disobedient children called the nation of Israel.

This manner firmly yet gently discusses God's demands of repentance from that sinful behavior. But it also discusses the necessary and vital role of the Holy Spirit's help in making such repentance a success.

This manner firmly yet gently holds the child - regenerated or not - in a place of accountability, where the child is forced to at least reckon with God's view and solution of their sin, and hopefully bring them willingly to the cross for redemption and/or reminder of the truth of justification.

So in that brief moment between the time your child's sin comes to your attention and the time you actually begin responding, put sinful anger to death. Your child's behavior doesn't need to become driven by your mood. It needs to be driven by an inward desire to please King Jesus. And if necessary, renew your own mind even more with a fresh reading of God's record of redemption in the Scriptures, preparing yourself for your next corrective moment.

But whatever you do, don't ignore it either! Deal with it squarely, face to face, exercising the privilege and responsibility God has given you to rear your child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. If you've ignored it before because it's too much of an inconvenience to you, put your convenience to death. Peacemaking is never convenient. Ask Jesus about that, because He made peace between you and God and it was by no means convenient! And if you've ignored it before because that's what your parents did, then don't be like them. Be like God the Father, and study how He deals with His disobedient children. And finally, that last suggestion applies also to those who have ignored it before because they don't know how to respond.

It's a growth issue, for both you and them. You grow in your responses to them, and they grow in their obedience to you and King Jesus. There's much grace for the journey as both of you walk that sometimes weary and winding road. But be assured that at the end of that road, there is the tangible prize of a child who fills you with joy and makes the Heavenly Father's heart glad.

[Source]: Miscellanies of the Gospel

Reacting to Your Child's Sin (Part 2)

Rob Wilkerson continues with the second danger of reacting to your child's sin...

The second danger is as bad as the first: an underreaction. It is usually manifested in a failure to deal with the sin at all. This danger, if not avoided consistently, will teach our kids that sin isn't that important, and that it's no big deal to worry about it.

Perhaps your home reflects this danger more than the first. How often do your kids get away with sinful behavior? How much of it goes unnoticed? If you're answer to the first is that you don't see sinful behavior that often, it's time to spend more time at home, getting to know your kids. And if you are at home enough but don't notice the behavior, turn off the television or put down the magazine and again, get to know your kids.

There are parents like this who desperately want their kids to come to know Christ and to be saved. But perhaps no one has put two and two together for them. If that's what they want, then they have to be saved from something. That something is, of course, their sin. But if they don't have anyone pointing out their sin, then they will have no lense through which to view the Savior, and hence no desire for Him whatsoever.

This failure, like the first, also does not get at the heart of the child to identify and deal with the root problem of the sin. Underreaction also obscures the gospel from our kids.

If the first danger over emphasizes sin, the second danger ignores sin almost completely. So what's the balance? A reponse that deals with the sin in a gentle yet firm manner.

[Source]: Miscellanies of the Gospel

Reacting to Your Child's Sin (Part 1)

Rob Wilkerson, father of four children, calls our attention to why it's important to have the right reaction when your child sins.  This is a three part series.  We'll first look at two extremes and then focus on the gospel in the middle.

One of the toughest moments in parenting is that brief lapse on the clock between the time my child's disobedience comes to my attention, and the time I begin to respond. What I do in that brief lapse in time can make all the difference in the world as to how I respond to my kid.

The reason it is such a tough moment is because the way I respond will largely shape and mold my child's understanding of sin as well as, most importantly, the gospel.

There are two dangers we have to avoid in formulating a response.

The first is an overreaction, usually manifested in irritation and frustration. You know what I mean, if you're a parent. Depending mostly in your mood at that moment, your frustration and irritation with their sin can fall anywhere on the Richter scale of parenting. Our kids could experience anything between an unfelt tremor in our relationship with them, and a house-destroying, child-abusing massive earthquake of sinful anger and wrath. Most of us don't make it a habit of crossing the 4.0 mark, though some have perhaps gone past 8.0 at one time or another, or perhaps even repeatedly. If so, there is grace, much grace, for such parents.

What happens, if this pattern of responding with irritation, frustration, or moodiness is consistently followed is that we create an environment of performance-oriented behavior in our kids. That is, they'll learn to behave in a way that doesn't make us overreact. And let me tell you, from experience, they learn to play that game. I've watched my kids even ask me sometimes, "Dad are we irritating you?" I feel terrible, because I know that my gospel-less handling of their sin before has largely contributed to such a question.

When we create a performance-oriented atmosphere, or a "don't make mom or dad angry" environment, we set ourselves up in our parenting so as to never get inside their hearts to identify and correct the root problem in their sinful behavior. Overreaction is a sure means of obscuring the gospel from our kids.

Part 2 coming soon - "Underreaction"

[Source]: Miscellanies on the Gospel

C.J. & Carolyn Mahaney Answer Specific Questions

Here are short audio clips that answer very specific questions on parenting...

1. How do parents engage in gospel-centered parenting with children who are too young to comprehend the message of the gospel?
Gospel-centered Parenting + Young Children (mp3 - 9:27)

2. How does a parent humbly explain to their children their own parental sins and still remain in authority over their children?
The Gospel + Parental Sins (mp3 - 2:39)

3. How can parents bring discipline to their children with humble hearts informed by the gospel?
The Gospel + Discipline (mp3 - 5:37)

4. How do parents transfer a love for the local church to their children? How does making the church family a priority shape the priorities of the immediate family? How does this priority affect a child's involvement in sports and other activities?
Teaching Children to Love the Church (mp3 - 10:59)

5. What sins have you personally confronted in yourselves in regard to parenting?
Fear + Unbelief in Parenting (mp3 - 3:46)


[Source]: Sovereign Grace Ministries

Leadership and Family Vacations

Here's a great article on the father's role during family vacations...

Leadership + Family Vacations (pdf) - by C.J. Mahaney

Shepherding Your Child's Heart (Audio)

For practical help on gospel-centered parenting, listen to these three messages from Tedd Tripp, author of Shepherding a Child's Heart. This is really dynamic stuff!

Shepherding Your Child's Heart: Ages 0-5 (mp3)

Shepherding Your Child's Heart: Ages 6-12 (mp3)

Shepherding Your Child's Heart: Teenagers (mp3)

C.J. Mahaney on Gospel-Centered Parenting

C.J. Mahaney of Sovereign Grace Ministries says the following about Gospel-centered parenting:

"Biblical parenting begins when parents consistently display to their children, not a perfect life, but nevertheless one truly transformed by the gospel.  It continues as those parents regularly seize opportunities to communicate the gospel to their children with creativity and passion."

C.J. has two dynamic messages on gospel-centered parenting called The Power of Example and The Imperative of Instruction.  You can download the audio and notes here for free.

Parents are Agents of God

As my wife and I continue to reflect on Tedd Tripp's book, Shepherding a Child's Heart, we were struck with the fact of how important our role is as parents from God's point of view.  Tripp writes...

"Our culture has reduced parenting to providing care.  Parents often see the task in these narrow terms.  The child must have food, clothes, a bed, and some quality time.  In sharp contrast to such a weak view, God has called you to a more profound task than being only a care-provider.  You shepherd your child in God's behalf."

He continues, "As a parent, you have authority because God calls you to be an authority in your child's life.  You have the authority to act on behalf of God.  As a father or mother, you do not exercise rule over your jurisdiction, but over God's.  You act at His command.  You discharge a duty that He has given.  You may not try to shape the lives of your children as pleases you, but as pleases Him."

This point of view is crucial for gospel-centered parenting.  God's command is for children to obey their parents.  Ultimately, this is not for the parent's benefit, but for the purpose of teaching the child to glorify God, because He is the one who gives the command to obey.  Ultimately, when your child disobeys you, they are disobeying God.  This is a much deeper issue that parents should be concerned about.  When your child is not honoring you, they are not honoring God, because it is His command to do so.

Tripp concludes, "The issue is not an interpersonal contest, it is rather your insistence that your child obey God, because obeying God is good and right.  You provide direction under God's authority.  Your right to be in charge is derived from God's authority.  You are God's agent to teach His ways to your child.  You are God's agent to help your child understand himself as a creature in God's world.  You are God's agent to show the need for God's grace and forgiveness."

Bad Behavior and the Heart

For most parents, the goal of altering their child's behavior is to have some peace and quiet.  Yet, if we correct behavior for this reason, it won't solve the problem.  Take for example the following Scripture passages...

"...from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly" (Mark 7:21).

"The good man brings things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.  For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45).

The main issue is not your child's behavior, but their heart.  In his book Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp explains that the "heart always determines behavior.  For many parents, their goal in disciplining their child is to alter only behavior.  The problem with this is that your child's needs are much deeper than the outward behavior they express.  All behavior reflects what is in your child's heart.  If you are to really help them, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive their behavior.  This doesn't mean that you ignore bad behavior  You cannot, however, be satisfied to leave the matter there.  You must help your child ask the questions that will expose that attitude of the heart that has resulted in wrong behavior."

Parenting is therefore concerned with shepherding the heart.  "You must learn to work from the behavior you see, back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children."

The goal of parenting then becomes doing everything necessary to change your child's heart so their behavior can change as well.  You cannot change their heart.  You can only lead them to Christ who is able to transform them from the inside-out.  This is the essence of gospel-centered parenting.