Bad Behavior and the Heart

For most parents, the goal of altering their child's behavior is to have some peace and quiet.  Yet, if we correct behavior for this reason, it won't solve the problem.  Take for example the following Scripture passages...

"...from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly" (Mark 7:21).

"The good man brings things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.  For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45).

The main issue is not your child's behavior, but their heart.  In his book Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp explains that the "heart always determines behavior.  For many parents, their goal in disciplining their child is to alter only behavior.  The problem with this is that your child's needs are much deeper than the outward behavior they express.  All behavior reflects what is in your child's heart.  If you are to really help them, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive their behavior.  This doesn't mean that you ignore bad behavior  You cannot, however, be satisfied to leave the matter there.  You must help your child ask the questions that will expose that attitude of the heart that has resulted in wrong behavior."

Parenting is therefore concerned with shepherding the heart.  "You must learn to work from the behavior you see, back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children."

The goal of parenting then becomes doing everything necessary to change your child's heart so their behavior can change as well.  You cannot change their heart.  You can only lead them to Christ who is able to transform them from the inside-out.  This is the essence of gospel-centered parenting.